Battle Plan Against Pornography

From Focus on the Family

Pornography is big business. According to U.S. News and World Report, the industry grossed an estimated $8 billion in 1997. That figure represents an expenditure of about $30 per person in the United States. That's more than is spent annually on gambling!

Many men, Christians included, are caught in the deadly attraction to pornography. Barna says that as many as one in six pastors struggle with or are addicted to pornography. We can conclude, therefore, that in each of our churches a sizeable percentage of men in our pews on a Sunday morning are in the heat of battle concerning this malady. Not to mention the untold victims, wives, children, friends who are greatly affected by pornography. Bookstores, sex shops, TV, movies and now the internet are the primary vehicles for the filth that comes into our culture. Virtually everyone is affected by this evil.

Therefore, Christians must become involved in the battle against pornography (in whatever way God leads) in order to protect themselves and fulfill God's call to be "salt and light." Only then will we be able to protect the children and other people we love from what Chuck Colson calls a "pornographic culture."

We are in the midst of a battle. Indeed, this is spiritual warfare. We must have a battle plan to fight pornography. Our battle plan must include our recognizing pornography for what it is, who the victims are and how to bring healing to them and strategies to turn the tide regarding the devastating influence of pornography in our country.

I. What is pornography?

A. Pornography is a perversion that attacks everything God cherishes.

Man is made in God's image. Therefore, the theological foundation against pornography begins with the premise that every human life has dignity and is sacred (Genesis 1:27).

B. Pornography is destroying the innocence of children (Mark 9:42).

It has been estimated that approximately 1 in 3 girls and 1 in 7 boys will be sexually molested before the age of 18. The relationship of pornography to child sexual abuse is compelling. Seventy-seven percent of those who molested boys and 87 percent of those who molested girls said they were regular users of hard-core pornography. (See Information Sheet for more statistics and testimonies).

C. Pornography is a lie.

Pornography says the best sex is outside of marriage. Pornography promises what it cannot deliver. Proverbs 9:17 tells us that "stolen waters are sweet..." However, Proverbs 14:12 tells us, "There is a way which seemeth right unto a man but the end thereof are the ways of death."

II. Who are the victims and how can we bring healing to them?

A. Those who are addicted to pornography are victims.

There is such a thing as the "pleasure of sin for a season" (Hebrews 11:25). However, according to James 1:13-15, sin in its fullest form brings forth death. Death to our self-esteem, to meaningful relationships, to moral absolutes.

B. Those who have been harmed are victims.

Families, wives and children, are directly affected. Women who have been raped and sexually abused are impacted forever. Babies are born with sexually transmitted diseases. Young people are scarred for life. Marriages are broken beyond repair. The dignity of women is degraded.

III. What action can we as believers take to turn the tide of pornography in our country?

A. We are to take a stand on our knees.

Since this is a spiritual battle the war must be waged through prayer first and foremost (Ephesians 6:10-18).

B. The parable of the Good Samaritan provides our marching orders.

We need to be the ones who minister the healing balm in the lives of pornography victims (Luke 10:27-37).

C. We need to be salt and light in our culture (Matthew 5:13-14).

We need to help promote legislation and other activities that will help eliminate pornography from our land. It is our responsibility to be informed and take action as is appropriate toward the goal of ridding our land of this evil.

Contributors:
H.B. London Jr., Vice President, Ministry Outreach Division
Dr. Jerry Kirk, National Coalition for the Protection of Children and Families
Stan Kellner, Manager, Pastoral Care, Ministry Outreach Division
Travis Pardo, Social Research Analyst, Public Policy Division

Statistics About Pornography

Pornography's Permeation in a Sexually-Saturated Society
Focus on the Family would like to thank the National Coalition for the Protection of Families and Children for providing the majority of resources and information below.

Consider the story of Brian Thompson. This 12-year-old boy spent two hours in his pastor's study one day in the summer of 1987, repeatedly calling 976 dial-a-porn message services. He was exposed to a variety of sexual activities, including intercourse between fathers and daughters and sexual activities between children. Two weeks after listening to dial-a-porn, Brian assaulted a four-year-old girl.

Unfortunately, this is all too common. Such stories raise the fundamental question of "Why is pornography so readily available?" Today, pornography continues to teach an entire generation of young men distorted values about their sexuality, healthy relationships with women and respect. This is both sobering and tragic.

I. Pornography's Profile

A. Pornography is a broad general term which can be defined as "all sexually oriented material intended primarily to arouse the reader, viewer or listener."

B. Pornography has permeated our society.

-In 1996, Americans spent more than $8 billion on hard-core videos, peep shows, live sex acts, adult cable programming, sexual devices, computer porn, and sex magazines -- and amount much larger than Hollywood's domestic box office receipts and larger than all the revenues generated by rock and country music recordings. Americans now spend more money at strip clubs than at Broadway, off-Broadway, regional, and nonprofit theaters; at the opera, the ballet, and jazz and classical music performances -- combined.

-Most of the profits being generated by porn today are being earned by businesses not traditionally associated with the sex industry -- by mom and pop video stores; long-distance carriers like AT&T; by cable companies like Time Warner and Tele-Communications Inc; and by hotel chains like Marriott, Hyatt, and Holiday Inn that now reportedly earn millions of dollars each year by supplying adult films to their guests.

-Despite having some of the toughest restrictions on sexually explicit materials of any Western industrialized nation, the United States is now by far the world's leading producer of porn, churning out hard-core videos at the astonishing rate of about 150 new titles a week.

-In 1996, Americans spent more than $150 million ordering adult movies on pay-per-view.

-According to Paul Fishbein, editor of Adult Video News, there are approximately 25,000 video stores that rent and sell hard-core films -- almost 20 times the number of adult bookstores.

-Since 1991, the number of hard-core titles released each year has increased by 500 percent.

-Playboy's Web site, which offers free glimpses of it playmates, now averages about five million hits a day.

-Telephone sex -- considered simply one more form of "audtiotext" by executives in the trade -- became a huge business in the 1980s despite government efforts at regulation. Every night, between the peak hours of 9 p.m. and 1 a.m., perhaps a quarter of a million Americans pick up the phone and dial a number for commercial phone sex.

-In 1996, Americans spent between $750 million and $1 billion on telephone sex. AT&T is one of the biggest carriers of phone sex.

-There are now more outlets for hard-core pornography in the United States than McDonald's restaurants.

-The introduction of pornography to the information highway has made home computers the fastest growing and primary mode of distribution of illegal pornography.

-A study by Nielsen Media Research indicated heavy traffic into the Penthouse Web site from corporate networks. Use of this Web site did not taper off at all during office hours. In just one month, employees from IBM, Apple and AT&T visited the site 12,823 times.

-Compaq Computer dismissed approximately 20 employees, each of whom had accessed sex-related Web sites more than 1,000 times.

II. Pornography and Children

A. Many people are shocked to learn that it has been estimated that approximately 1 in 3 girls and 1 in 7 boys will be sexually molested before age 18. The typical serial child molester will abuse more than 360 victims over the course of his lifetime. He is able to abuse 30-60 children before he is even caught for the first time. This abuse has affected millions of American families.

B. The relationship of pornography to child sexual abuse is compelling. In a study of convicted child molesters, 77 percent of those who molested boys said they were regular users of hard-core pornography. And 87 percent of those who molested girls said they were regular users of hard-core pornography.

C. UNICEF reports that one million children each year are forced into prostitution and used to make pornography.

D. Diane's Story: "My name is Diane. I've always felt that pornography was bad, that it was harmful. But I felt that it didn't affect me personally. No members of my family ever read pornography. My husband's family didn't read pornography. We live in a small, close knit community. Pornography is not an issue there. I basically felt immune to its effects.

A year ago in April, my world was shattered by the effects of pornography. My three-year-old daughter was raped and violated in every manner you can imagine by a twelve-year-old boy. When they arrested the young man, we were told that they would surely find sexual abuse in his background. And that this is the reason he did it on my daughter. After a thorough psycho-sexual evaluation, they came to one conclusion. There was a single motivating factor in what he did to my baby. He was exposed to pornography at a very vulnerable time in his life.

What he saw on those pages not only gave him the ideas of what to do and how to do it, but it gave him the permission to treat females in a degrading and debasing manner. Since he was only twelve years old, he needed to look for a female who was younger than him, who wouldn't fight back. And so he raped and molested my daughter.

I've heard it said that pornography is a victimless crime. I'm standing here before you a victim of pornography. My little girl is a victim of pornography. My husband is a victim of pornography. Even my four other children are victims. How do you explain to a fourteen-year-old boy that his favorite little sister has been raped and violated in such a heinous manner?

But I am also standing here before you, and from my heart I can tell you, that this young man was a victim. He came from a good family. This wasn't a boy who was in a gang. He'd never been in trouble with the law. He came from an intact family in a small community where everybody knows everybody. His parents sent him to a youth camp thinking that they were going to enrich his life with these two weeks in a summer youth camp. At that point, he was exposed to pornography.

He is a victim. His family is a victim. His mother loves him as much as I love my little girl. And his mother is as shattered as I am. Something is seriously wrong in this country when we protect the rights of a handful of men to make billions at the expense of women and children."

III. Pornography and Sexually Transmitted Diseases

A. In many sex-shops there are booths, referred to in the pornography industry as "glory holes." These are holes sawed between adjoining booths so that patrons can perform anonymous sexual acts on one another from different booths as they fantasize to the videos. As Dr. Stephen Joseph, former Health Commissioner of New York City noted when he had one of the establishments raided and shut down, "The proprietors are essentially operating an AIDS breeding ground, with profit being the driving force."

IV. Pornography, Sexual Abusers and Addicts

"I have lived in prison a long time now and I've met a lot of men who were motivated to violence just like me. And without exception, every one of them was deeply involved in pornography, without a question, deeply influenced and consumed by an addiction to pornography."
-- Ted Bundy, convicted killer (hours before his execution)

A. The National Victim Center now estimates that at least one woman is raped in the U.S. every 46 seconds.

B. A study by Dr. Marshall of adult sex offenders found that 86 percent of convicted rapists said they were regular users of pornography, with 57 percent admitting direct imitation of pornographic scenes they enjoyed in the commission of their rapes.

C. In Oklahoma City, as they eliminated over 150 sexually oriented businesses, the rape rate declined over 27 percent in the five-year period. During that same time, rape in the rest of the state continued to rise over 19 percent.

D. A 1979 study in Phoenix, Arizona, found that neighborhoods with a pornography business experienced 40 percent more property crime and 500 percent more sexual offenses than similar neighborhoods without a pornography outlet.

"It is not pornography that causes men to see women as sexual objects; it is a man's natural tendency to regard women as sexual objects that causes pornography. Again, our desire to see human nature as innocent and pure, we blame outside forces when inside forces actually cause the problem. But pornography can exacerbate this unfortunate tendency."
-- Dennis Prager, radio personality

V. Pornography in Marriage

"Is it really possible that viewing hundreds of thousands of perfect looking naked women has no effect on the way a man sees his wife or girlfriend, or women generally?"
-- Dennis Prager, radio personality

"Pornography has been a part of my husband's life since he was a teenager...I have begged and pleaded for him to understand how his interest in everyone else's body and sex life is ruining our marriage...how can a woman close her eyes to the fact that a man prefers to watch a flick than be with her."
--A woman in Texas in a letter to the National Coalition

One woman's story:"My husband began using porn as a teenager. What was once an adolescent hobby became the 'other woman' in our marriage. At first it was our intimacy that suffered. Then, his pastime grew into an addiction which then started to include more serious forms of 'adultery.' He was going to strip bars and sleeping with prostitutes. He was often late, with poor excuses. I noticed our money disappearing and never suspected he was spending nearly $500 a week to feed his addiction.

Me? I felt responsible, ugly, ashamed, alone and hopeless. Why would he look at another woman unless I wasn't pretty or sexy enough? Friends rejected my idea that his porn use was ruining our relationship. They told me to be sexier, more sexually responsive and available so that he wouldn't look elsewhere. I tried all these things only to find they didn't work. I ended up feeling like a failure, as a wife and a lover. Now I know it wasn't me.

When we got help I found out his pornography use began before our marriage, as far back as his youth. Not only was it not my fault -- it had nothing to do with me at all. After much counseling, we both understand he entered our marriage thinking I would cure all his sex problems. No wonder he was so disappointed and angry.

We're still together. We are living proof that a pornography or sex addiction does not have to mean the end of your relationship."

VI. Pornography and the First Amendment

A. Some argue that the First Amendment refers to freedom of speech, not "freedom of speech for obscenity, pornography, or indecency." However, one could apply the same logic to consumer fraud, conspiracy, libel, slander or false shouting "fire" in a crowded theatre. None of these are protected by the First Amendment.

B. In 1973, the US Supreme Court ruled in Miller vs. California that "this much has been categorically settled by the court, that obscene material is unprotected by the First Amendment."

VII. The Theological Foundation Against Pornography

The theological foundation against pornography begins with the premise that every human life has dignity and is sacred (Genesis 1:27). Thus, to be against pornography is to be pro-life. With this premise, therefore, illegal pornography should be opposed because:

A. It exploits and degrades people
B. It undermines families.
C. It distorts personal and social relationships.
D. It reduces the gift of sexuality to a level that lacks personal dignity, human tenderness, mutual love and ethical commitment which are part of God's plan.

"Pornography ... is against the divine image within us, against the soul -- of the model, of the user, of the society. But a society that does not believe in a soul cannot make that argument."
-- Dennis Prager, radio personality

IIX. Four Practical Ways You Can Fight Pornography

A. Become knowledgeable about the issues concerning pornography. For example, read the report by the Attorney General's Commission on Pornography or order video and audio tapes from the National Coalition for the Protection of Children and Families.

B. Write or call elected government officials of local media expressing you views against pornography.

C. Speak with store managers who display pornographic materials and ask the materials to be moved out of sight.

D. Join others in your efforts. Call the organizations below to offer information and resources to you.

IX. Resources

Organizations

Enough is Enough
Roger and Dee Jepsen
P.O. Box 888
Fairfax, VA 22030
Phone: (703) 278-8384
Web site: www.enough.org

Morality and Media
Robert W. Peters, President
475 Riverside Dr., Ste. 239
New York, NY 10115
Phone: (212) 870-3222
Fax: (212) 870-2765
E-mail: mimnyc@ix.netcom.com
Web site: www.netcom.com/~mimnyc

National Coalition for the Protection of Children and Families
800 Compton Rd., Ste. 9224
Cincinnati, OH 45231
Phone: (531) 521-6227
Fax: (531) 521-6337
Web site: www.nationalcoalition.org

Chuck Norris Devotional

Sep/Oct 2005

Our favorite Texas Ranger talks about the battles men face.

By Chuck Norris

I believe the challenges men face today are no different than the challenges men have faced for decades. Here are three of the challenges we must face and conquer:

1. WHAT WE SAY CAN BUILD OR DESTROY. The tongue can be used either as a verbal weapon or a helpful tool, hurting relationships or building them up. The tongue is the smallest part of your body, but it is the hardest part to control. I like to describe it this way: A ship is large, but it is steered by a very small object-the rudder, which is your tongue. The course of the ship is in the hands of the pilot (you) who has control of the direction of that ship (your life). It can steer you safely or destructively.

In the book of James, the Bible compares the damage the tongue can do to a raging fire (see James 3:5-6). Before you speak, remember your words are like a fire; you can neither control nor reverse the damage they can do. Like a fire, words can spread destruction quickly. No one can stop the results once they are spoken. Even if you can apologize later, the scars are still there. A few words spoken in anger can destroy a friendship or relationship that took years to build.

Anger is a very difficult emotion to control. When someone does something to you or says something about you, you immediately want to strike back. I remember when I was in the Karate business and was forced to sell one of my Karate studios. The man who bought it would not take my name off the front of the studio as he had agreed to do. When I approached him about it, he said, "Sue me." I wanted to do more than that, but I saw a lawsuit in the making so I just barely controlled my temper. Eventually my name was taken off the front of the studio, but I could not overcome my anger toward this man.

One day I was talking with a very good friend and this man's name came up. I said, "If there is one person in this world I hate, it is him." Of course, as fate would have it, Gena and I were reading the Bible soon afterward and we came across scriptures about anger. The Bible tells us that anger is a great sin because it violates God's command to love.

Anger can cause seething, brooding and bitterness in every fiber of your being. I have to say that's what it did to me. The only person it was hurting was me.

This man didn't care how I felt about him. The Bible reminded me that I should not condemn him, but forgive him. I want to tell you that's exactly what I did, because as I read more scriptures on anger, I realized that anger keeps us from developing a spirit that's pleasing to God. And I sure did NOT want to upset Him!

2. WORRY. In this career-driven world, it is very difficult not to worry about every problem--whether it is personal, financial or social. I'm as guilty as the next guy. But Jesus tells us not to worry about those needs that God promises to supply (see Matt. 6:25). Worry can damage your health. The object of your worry can consume your thoughts, disrupt your productivity, negatively affect the way you treat others and reduce your ability to trust in God. The Bible tells us to remember there is a difference between worry and genuine concern. Worry immobilizes, but concern moves you to action.

3. MONEY IS NOT THE ROOT OF EVIL, BUT THE LOVE OF MONEY IS! You know the problem with loving money? Enough is never enough. If you try to gain happiness by accumulating wealth you will never have enough. It can lead you down a road of total discontent and misery (see Timothy 6:10). If your whole life is spent trying to make money and you neglect the people important in your life, you will create an emptiness deep in your heart and soul. I know, I fell into that trap. I dedicated my whole life to fame and fortune. I had a huge hole in my heart and was extremely miserable until I met my wife who brought me back to the Lord.

As you face the challenges life brings, remember that God surrounds us, enfolds us, protects us and watches over us, wherever we are. Jeremiah 29:11 says: "'For I know the plans I have for you,' says the Lord. 'They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope'" (NLT).

Clergy Health

Which Way to Clergy Health?

Prompted by rising health care costs and looming clergy shortages, the church is recognizing health as an important issue.

Reprinted from the Fall 2002 issue of Divinity, the alumni magazine of Duke Divinity School

By Bob Wells

Dr. Gwen Halaas, a family physician in Kenosha, Wis., is concerned about a patient, a middle-aged professional whose case has drawn all her time and attention. She describes the case in the same concise format she learned years ago at Harvard medical school:

A 51-year-old male with symptoms of depression, the patient has high blood pressure and is overweight, presenting a heightened risk of heart disease and other illnesses. He works 60-70 hours a week in a sedentary job, does not currently engage in any physical exercise, and reports considerable work-related stress. Patient is married, with three children, one of whom expresses interest in following patient's career path. Patient expresses little enthusiasm for encouraging child to do so.

While the case history may sound routine, Dr. Halaas and her patient are, in fact, remarkable - perhaps even historic. That's because the patient is not a specific individual, but a statistically based overview of the typical Lutheran pastor. And Halaas is the project director of the Ministerial Health and Wellness Program, a major new initiative by the Evangelical Lutheran Church in America to improve the health of Lutheran pastors and other church leaders.

What makes her work especially significant, however, is that her patient's condition does not differ substantially from that of clergy in just about every Christian denomination today. Doctrinal and theological differences aside, North American churches have in common not only the Cross and a love of Christ, but also a pastorate whose health is fast becoming cause for concern.

Prompted by rising health care costs and looming clergy shortages, some denominations are recognizing health as an important issue. A few - most notably the ELCA, the American Baptists, and the General Synod of the Anglican Church of Canada - have launched efforts within the past year to improve clergy health. Others, including the United Methodist Church, are following the issue with great interest.

"Certainly this is a big-time problem," says Steve Weston, assistant plan manager for HealthFlex, a managed-care health plan offered by the UMC's General Board of Pension and Health Benefits. "I see the utilization data every month, and definitely, we're overweight, we have high blood pressure, and we have stress levels and depression levels that are higher than the general population. The General Board and HealthFlex are aggressively looking at the issue, and I would imagine there will be discussion about it at General Conference within the next couple of years."

If you're imagining thousands of jogging-suit-clad pastors pounding the pavement, relax and take a deep breath. At its heart, this new movement to improve clergy health is about much more than just strapping on the Nikes. It is about creating and cultivating within the church a wholistic approach to health that addresses wellness in all its physical, emotional, social, spiritual, and intellectual dimensions. At its best, observers say, this emphasis on clergy health raises important theological issues with the potential for reclaiming Christian practices about care of the self and one another. At the same time, it's challenging both clergy and laity to rethink and re-envision the entire nature of ministry.

"We're not talking about continuing education or crisis management, but changing the culture of the church to be a healthy community," says Halaas. "That's what's exciting to me as a physician: the church can become a community that sets an example for the rest of America."

Although data is limited, research indicates that some of the most critical issues facing clergy appear to be in the areas of weight, mental health, heart disease and stress:

· A national survey of more than 2,500 religious leaders conducted last year by Pulpit and Pew, a research project on pastoral leadership based at Duke Divinity School, found that 76 per cent of clergy were either overweight or obese, compared to 61 per cent of the general population.

· The same study also found that 10 percent of those surveyed reported being depressed - about the same as the general population - while 40 percent said they were depressed at times, or worn out "some or most of the time."

· A survey of Lutheran ministers found that 68 percent were overweight or obese, while 16 percent of male pastors and 24 percent of female pastors complained of problems with depression.

Much of the clergy health problem may be rooted in the very nature of ministry today -- what Stephanie Paulsell, a visiting lecturer on ministry at Harvard Divinity School and author of Honoring the Body, calls "the overwhelmingness" of ministry.

"When you get up in the morning, you have to make a lot of choices about how to spend your time," says Paulsell, who also serves as a member of Pulpit and Pew's Core Seminar, an advisory group of religious leaders and theological educators. "It's a job that is conducive to eating on the run and not taking time to exercise and not getting enough sleep."

Faced by overwhelming need and filled with a genuine desire to help, many pastors, consciously or not, set themselves up for problems, thanks in part to a misguided notion of ministry.

"There is a false notion that effective ministry is about the imitation of Christ," says the Rev. Pamela Cranston, chair of the Clergy Wellness Commission of the Episcopal Diocese of California. "There is the idea that ministry is about living a life dying to the self and living to other people, and that to be a true priest you have to kill yourself, to give your entire life for others. The theological problem around that is that Jesus already did it and we don't have to."

The Rev. Ivan George, chair of the Ministerial Leadership Commission of the American Baptist Church, says clergy tend to address their own needs, if at all, only after dealing with all the needs of their congregation. The commission voted earlier this year to make clergy wellness a church priority over the next five years.

"They'll take care of themselves only after they've made out the church budget, visited the sick, done all these kinds of other things, but usually time runs out before the work gets done."

But that alone doesn't explain today's clergy health problem: The world has always been filled with overwhelming need, and priests have always tried to be a healing presence. Halaas suspects that the day-to-day experience of ministry has fundamentally changed over the past 30-40 years.

In the 1950s, she says, a major study began following a large cohort of clergy. The researchers found that clergy had lower rates of disease for virtually every possible diagnosis and lived longer and healthier lives than any other professional group. Later, she says, two other studies emerged that were conducted on an entirely different and later generation of clergy. The first, published in 1983, found that Protestant clergy had the highest overall work-related stress of various religious professionals and the next-to-lowest amount of personal resources to cope with the strain.

The second, published in 1999, found that clergy have one of the highest death rates from heart disease of any occupation.

"Taken together, these three studies suggest to me that the experience of clergy has changed over the past few decades," says Halaas.

Halaas contends that today's clergy have greater demands and less support - both physical and emotional - from staff and volunteers. The same sweeping changes that have rocked American society in the past 50 years have also radically altered the nature of ministry.

With more two-income families, fewer stay-at-home spouses are available as volunteers to help carry out the day-to-day tasks of running a church. The dramatic rise of clinical pastoral education has increased the role of counseling in modern ministry - even as greater social stresses have fueled a demand for those services among laity. Meanwhile, clergy salaries have not kept pace with those of other professions, and the position is, perhaps, not as respected as it once was.

"Basically, it's become a more difficult job with fewer rewards," says Halaas. "And all those things add to stress and take a toll on health."

Herself a clergy spouse, married to a Lutheran pastor, Halaas says she is not harkening back to a long lost "Golden Age," but simply describing very real changes that have occurred in ministry and society.

"Think back to the picture of pastors we had in mind when we were kids and the image today," says Halaas. "Pastors from 40 years ago probably had spouses who worked alongside them and supported them, and they lived next door to the church and maybe they walked home for lunch and dinner. Now it's a minister who gets up in the morning and goes all day, and if they get a chance to eat at all, it's fast food, and if they're not sitting in their office, they're in the car driving somewhere."

Halaas and her group have already sketched out a broad action plan that is essentially a public health campaign aimed at communicating a message and creating coalitions to encourage healthier lifestyles. Yes, healthy diet and increased physical activity will be a big part of the prescription for better clergy health, but it's not all, or even the most important part.

For Christians, health and wellness are not just "physical" issues, but are deeply rooted theological concerns that, rightly understood, will require a change in thinking about the body, says Paulsell.

To some extent, Christians still struggle with an ambiguous legacy about the body that goes back to the very beginnings of the church, one that split the body from the spirit, elevating the work of the spirit and denigrating the physical and the material.

"There has always been this tension about the body not being important, and placing the work of the spirit over that of the body," says Paulsell. "But in fact, everything in the Gospel and in the tradition suggests that bodies matter to God and ought to matter to us."

Christians worship a God who came to them in a physical body, and who ate, drank, slept, touched and was touched, suffered, died and was raised from the dead.

"And that tells us that bodies matter to God, and through our bodies we're invited to be in deep relationship with God," says Paulsell.
People today tend to think of caring for the body as an individual act and concern, but in reality, such care is a communal practice, says Paulsell. It is through the body that we learn to care for one another. Even as our physical body separates us from others, it also beckons us to be in relationship with others.

"We are all so different in so many ways, but what we all share as human beings is that we have fragile bodies," says Paulsell. "No matter how strong or healthy we are, there will be times in life, in our births and in our deaths and in between, when we will be dependent upon the care of others. And this fragility must be a sign God wants us to care for each other, because otherwise we could take care of ourselves."

The Christian tradition contains within it certain practices, some long dormant, that can be extraordinary resources in the quest for better health, contends Paulsell. In a hurried and affluent culture where eating becomes refueling and hunger pangs are never known, the rhythms of feasting and fasting, of pausing in gratitude before a meal, can help shape a radically different way not only of eating, but of being in the world.

"A way of eating that draws deeply on Christian faith would be shaped by . . . choices that honor the body - our body and the bodies of others," writes Paulsell in Honoring the Body. "Choices that delight in the bounty of creation and that respect God's intention that there be enough for all."

Fasting from junk food; eating less meat; paying attention to our hunger and eating no more than necessary to satisfy it; taking care not to waste food; never eating without saying thanks. These are all small but important practices that can make real differences in the way people live their lives by reminding them that food is God's gift.

Paulsell and others recommend Sabbath-keeping as a powerful practice that could help clergy - and others - recover a healthier way of life. Taking one day to acknowledge that our bodies need rest and that the world goes on without our labor is a profound counter-cultural practice, says Paulsell.

"It's one day a week when we pause to spend time with others in worship and rest and refuse the culture's insistence that we be producing."

With everyone else's Sabbath being their primary workday, clergy must find another day of rest. But to do so will require the support of congregations.
In the Episcopal Diocese of California, church officials have established guidelines setting the expected work week for clergy at no more than 45-50 hours, with a five-day work week and two full days off. The diocese's Clergy Wellness Commission has developed sample job agreements and health agreements that set out expectations about job duties, work hours, sick leave, vacation, and the steps that clergy will take to maintain their spiritual, emotional, mental, and physical well being.

The agreements are part of a broader effort to make congregations see ministry as a shared task between clergy and laity. Rather than viewing pastors as the hired chaplain and service provider, healthy congregations should see themselves in mutual ministry with the clergy.

Paulsell acknowledges that "Clergy can't do it by themselves.

"They need to have the whole church and whole congregations behind them to say that honoring the body is important. Both clergy and laity need to understand that the body is a precious gift from God that has to be cherished."

Rather than viewing a pastor's day of rest or daily hour of exercise as time away from the care of others, clergy and their congregations need to see such measures as time spent taking care of ministry.

"People need to understand that ministry isn't done by the disembodied mind, but by the whole embodied self," says Paulsell. "We need churches to be communities where we talk about bodies and the care of bodies and what God expects from us."

It's as simple as this, says Paulsell: If people are going to do the hard work of ministry, they have to be healthy.

Sex...God's Way

1 Corinthians 7:1-7

Christians get a bad rap when it comes to sex. Most people in the world would sum up the Christian view of sex with the phrase “don’t do it”. That’s sad but probably deserved. For the first several centuries the church was very accomplished at giving lengthy prohibitions about sex. At one point in the early Catholic church there were only 44 days in a year when a couple was allowed to be intimate. Saint Augustine, the early church father, actually believed that original sin was transmitted through intimacy (Sacred Marriage, pg 203). Most of the early bible scholars allegorized the Song of Songs (they said it was figurative) because they were too embarrassed to take it for what is really is…it’s a whole book in the Bible dealing with the intimacy between husband and wife. And it’s graphic and detailed…and there is not a HINT of shame in it…because God made sex, he made it for us to enjoy, and He is not ashamed to talk about it.

Part of Christianity’s problem with sex, and many other topics, is that we’re lopsided. And personally I think that we TEND to be lopsided towards the negative. Here’s what I mean: we’re great at standing against things, but we’re not so great at standing for things. We can tell people all of the things they shouldn’t do, but we’re often unwilling to tell them the alternative…what the better plan is.

Let me be honest with you for a moment. It would be easier to tell you all the things not to do. That would be more comfortable to talk about. Writing this makes me feel like a health teacher or something! You may not be comfortable reading this but here’s the thing: Christians have treated sex like it’s a dirty word for too long. God designed sex. He made it to be enjoyed in the proper context. And because our holy and beautiful God created it; sex is also holy and beautiful.

Maybe you’ve never heard it described that way. Our culture has different views about what sex is. Some people who are naturalists view sex as merely an animalistic instinct. Hugh Hefner once said, “sex is a normal function of the body, it is a desire that man shares with the animals, just like sleeping or eating, therefore it is not wrong to satisfy these normal desires”. That view is short-sighted and is, unfortunately, all too common.

Many view sex very casually. It’s no big deal, it can be shared with anyone…friends, strangers, any willing person will do. And there are elements in our society, and in every society, that view sex as industry to profit from. Did you know the pornography industry in America brings in $8 billion dollars a year? No wonder people have such a skewed view of sex. Some see it as a tool for manipulation, or a bargaining chip, or a power to be used for manipulation.

Here’s my question…what alternative is the church offering to the world’s view of sex? What is our response to the degradation of this beautiful part of matrimony? And for the past several hundred years I think the answer has been “nothing”. We just say don’t do this, and don’t do that, etc, etc. Is it any surprise that many Christians have just adopted the world’s view of sex?

If the church doesn’t stand up and talk about some of these things, then our kids will get their sex education from school where they learn to put condoms on bananas and explore their “sexual identity”. And they’ll learn from Brittney Spears, and Eminem, and Kobe Bryant and all of the other high profile “role models” that we see in culture.

Author Gary Thomas points out that, “Most of us are introduced to sex in shameful ways.” He’s right! Do you want your son’s only knowledge of sex, to be from a magazine in a locker room? Do you want your daughter’s knowledge of sex to be from a romance novel or a teen magazine? Sex isn’t shameful, but what people do with it can be. Unless the church puts away that phony sense of piety and talks about real issues with real people we’re destined, and our kids are destined, to follow the crowd.

You only need to think for a second to know where that will lead; sin, sexual promiscuity, sexual disease, unwanted pregnancy, an unbiblical view of sexuality, broken homes, damaged marriages and I believe…ultimately…sexual dissatisfaction. Because every time you abuse something that is God-given, it goes bad.

Hebrews 13:4 says, “Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral.”

This is a little verse with big meaning. The first thing you need to understand about sex is that God has designed it for marriage. He says marriage should be…

Honored by all: That word “honored” is timios and it means precious, esteemed, and of great price. Marriage itself should be held as a precious institution with all people Paul says. It’s not a small thing. It’s a big deal when people are married. We are to esteem that marriage relationship. We’re to lift it up! Marriage is not an afterthought of living together. It’s not an option for families to choose…its God’s standard and he says everyone should honor it. And according to this verse how does everyone honor marriage?

Keeping the marriage bed pure: The term “marriage bed” is just a euphemism for sexual intercourse. He isn’t saying that we honor marriage by getting a good night’s sleep. He’s saying that we honor marriage by keeping sexually pure. Sex is only for the marriage bed. Put differently, the marriage bed is the designated place for sexual activity. If that’s not clear enough; sex is meant for marriage exclusively. God has called us to have a pure, undefiled, unadulterated sex life. And notice the end of this passage that God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral.

Adulterer: Someone who is married and has sexual relations with someone other than their spouse. That’s the seventh commandment and it’s very clear. God will judge adulterers. But he will also judge the..

Sexually immoral: Sexual immorality is more general. It’s any sexual behavior that occurs outside of marriage.

God’s judgment is reserved for married people that cheat and for unmarried people that are fooling around. Catch the contrast: On one hand we have the pure marriage bed. On the other hand we have adultery and sexual immorality. One receives God’s blessing. The other receives God’s judgment.

I often hear people say…The Bible doesn’t say that you can’t have sex before you’re married. My personal favorite is “we’re in love and God is a god of love so I think it’s okay.” That’s very creative! Or “God wants me to be happy!” And on and on… True God wants us to be happy. And he wants us to love…but he will judge us if we’re being sexually immoral. Sex outside of marriage isn’t youthful indiscretion. It isn’t an accident. It doesn’t suddenly become alright because of feelings. Planning on being married soon or “someday” doesn’t make it okay. Sex is a holy act that God has limited to marriage. And if that isn’t convincing enough for you…consider this:

Every time sex is mentioned outside of marriage it’s gets a special name:

-adultery -sexual immorality -homosexuality -rape

-fornication -prostitution -lust, etc.

We are supposed to keep our marriage bed pure. I want you to picture the sheets on your bed. Now think about the marriage bed in terms of sheets. What kind of sheets do you like to sleep in? Do you like the white, clean, fresh smelling, right out of the wash, crisp, spotless, nice pure sheets? God want our marriage beds to be. Maybe you’d prefer the old threadbare, limp, soiled, wrinkled-up, stained and dirty sheets? No one would choose that. But when you sin sexually, that’s what you’re doing to marriage bed. So, what kind of bed do you want to sleep in?

Now you may be reading this, having already made mistakes. The point of this article not to heap guilt on people, but to remind all us of God’s standards. If you’ve made mistakes, confess it to God, ask his forgiveness, and then resolve yourself not to make those mistakes again. God loves us so much, but he loves too much to let us stay in our sin.

Now let’s look at 1 Corinthians 7:1. For context, the advice Paul gives about sex in this passage is given specifically to the church in Corinth. Now you might be tempted to think that modern day Americans don’t have anything in common with ancient Corinthians. Let me briefly describe Corinth for a comparison.

Corinth was right next to Athens in what is now Greece. To put it gently the Corinthians and their neighbors in Athens weren’t very “sexually conservative”. They worshipped the goddess of sexual pleasure and all of the gods they worshipped were known for their sexual escapades. Over the top of EVERY door in Corinth was a statue of…let’s just the say “male reproductive organ.” These people had festivals and parades where they flaunted their sexual behavior. Adultery, orgies, and even pedophilia were normal.

But we’re not like that...right? Sexuality isn’t on open display in our nation. Well…except at the grocery store, and 7-11, and the billboards, and on TV, and in most every magazine, most of our movies…yeah we don’t have anything in common with the Corinthians. (Maybe a little more than we’d like to admit!) The Corinthians were in the midst of sexual immorality at epidemic proportions….and I would say so are we. And if not…we’re headed that way fast.

You’ve hopefully never been to a church like the church in Corinth. And this is the church we’re talking about. They had been splitting into factions, they were filled with jealousy, they were taking each other to court, they were treating communion like a free buffet, they were quarreling, and to top it all off, they were plagued with sexual sin. In fact there was a man in their church who had taken up with his Father’s wife (probably his stepmother). Paul says that the Corinthian church was even boasting about it. They had all kinds of issues. And as the apostle Paul addresses these young immature Christians he includes some of the most insightful words ever penned on the topic of sex.

vs 1: Now for the matters you wrote about: It is good for a man not to marry.

Well that seems pretty clear, and that would solve all the issues with sex! As some of you know Paul wasn’t married. And his mentality was this: when it comes to serving the Lord, it will be easier for you, and more effective for ministry, if you aren’t married. So if you can go without being married do it. Its okay, it can be good to live a celibate life. There are certain advantages to not being married.

Some of the early church really grabbed a hold of this. Most of the early church fathers didn’t marry (not that they were always known for their sexual piety). Many of the early Christian writings started an unfortunate emphasis celibacy. They held it up as a higher path, or a more “spiritual” choice. That’s not what Paul is saying. If you want to, as a choice, you don’t have to get married. But knowing that this probably wasn’t the choice for most people he says in vs 2…

vs 2: But since there is so much immorality, each man should have his own wife, and each woman her own husband.

The idea here is that sexual temptation, and sexual sin, was so great that celibacy wasn’t always realistic. It would be good for you to be celibate…but if the choice is marriage or sexual immorality…choose marriage. If you want to be celibate but sexual sin is too great a temptation then get married. Not being married is okay. But being sexually immoral is not okay. So those are the two choices: no sex at all, or sex inside of marriage.

Down in verse 9 he says about single people, “if they can't control themselves, they should go ahead and marry. It's better to marry than to burn with lust.” Now obviously having sex isn’t the only motivation for being married. If that’s why you’re getting married you’re probably in for a rude awakening. But here’s the point… if you’re sexual desires are leading you to temptation and frustration, get married. Find that special someone and get into a situation where sex is permissible and honoring to God. That seems pretty straightforward. Here’s where he gets very specific.

vs 3: The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband.

There are several things to grab from this:

Sex isn’t one-sided: It is to be equally given and received by both men and women. Everything in marriage is about give and take. And when you give….your spouse is more likely to give. When you only take they are less likely to give. When both people give, both are more likely to receive. That’s true of time, attention, affection, communication, and even sex. And people that want to accuse the Bible of being chauvinistic will have a hard time explaining this passage. Sex belongs to, and is for the enjoyment of, both husband and wife. God prescribes equal consideration for both partners in marriage. He describes sex as a…

A duty: Husband and wives should fulfill their “marital duty”. Now you might hear people joking around about this but it’s serious.

The NLT Bible says it this way, “The husband should not deprive his wife of sexual intimacy, which is her right as a married woman, nor should the wife deprive her husband.”

Husbands, your wives have the right to expect sex in your marriage, and it is your duty to satisfy them sexually. And the opposite is true. Wives, your husbands have the right to expect sex in your marriage, and it is your duty to satisfy him sexually.

Now the word “duty” makes it sound like an obligation, or a requirement, or even a chore. Hopefully it’s more than that. Hopefully sex is something that is equally desired by both husband and wife. That’s God’s plan. And thinking of sex as an obligation is probably the lowest motivation for sex that a couple could have. I wouldn’t recommend that you guys pull that on your wife. Reminding her of her “obligation” is pretty much a guaranteed, “no”. But you know, sometimes we may need to keep that in mind. At times when you’re feeling less than romantic remember, “It is the right of both husband and wife to have sexual fulfillment in marriage.”

Now fulfilling your “marital duty” doesn’t mean that your spouse is required to do whatever you want, whenever you want, regardless of circumstances. It simply means that you have a sex life that is generally satisfying to both husband and wife. And verse 3 points out one more important thing

Sex is part of God’s plan for marriage: It’s not what marriage is all about, but it’s part of it. He wouldn’t call it our duty if it was optional. He wouldn’t call it an obligation if it was a matter of choice. Part of having a happy marriage is having a healthy sex life. Sex isn’t just a physical act. Sex is where our souls touch, and our hearts mend, and our bodies unite. It’s where we take part in God’s creation process. And to take that out of marriage is a recipe for disaster.

Taking sex out of marriage fosters insecurity, anxiety, and distrust. It creates resentment, and self-pity. It creates the perfect environment for sexual temptation, bitterness, and depression. Marriage without sex isn’t complete. It’s part of God’s plan for husband wife.

Now this next verse is probably the most important verse about sex in the Bible.

vs 4: The wife's body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband's body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife.

When you hear that word “belong” it makes your spouse sound like your property. And there is a good reason why. They are. Your wife’s body belongs to you. She gave it to you on your wedding day. And wives, your husband’s body belongs to you. He gave it to you on your wedding day. This is so important to understand! Realize what Paul is saying here. Speaking in the context of sexuality, Paul says your body belongs to your spouse. When you are married you don’t belong to yourself anymore. You have more than just you to think about. You belong to someone else. And your sex belongs to your spouse, and to no one else.

It’s fairly obvious for most of us that you don’t sleep with someone who is not your wife. Realize the full implications though! Adultery in this sense is taking something that doesn’t belong to you and giving it to someone else. It’s stealing.

When you allow yourself to fantasize sexually about someone that is not your spouse you’re giving something away that doesn’t belong to you. God gave you a spouse! They are the ones that you’re sexual desire belongs to. That’s why pornography is such a problem. You’re taking your sexual desires to a piece of paper, or a TV screen, or a computer monitor instead of your spouse. And when you do that you’re taking sex from your mate.

When people masturbate, they are taking sex away from their spouse. You’re taking something that doesn’t belong to you. You’re stealing from your wife or your husband. Often times when men will complain about their sex life in marriage, and you probe them on it, it turns out that they’ve made sex a private thing just for themselves, and they can’t figure out why they have no sexual desire for their wife. Some people dismiss this by calling it a bad habit or overactive hormones but it’s more than that. It’s often a compulsive and addictive behavior. It makes the marriage bed impure. It’s sin.

Anything you do sexually that doesn’t involve your spouse is sin. I like what the Message Bible paraphrase says, “the marriage bed must be a place of mutuality.” In other words sex isn’t selfish! It’s not about individual wants and desires it’s about each other. And if you love your spouse you would never selfishly insist that they do something that makes them uncomfortable. Sex is mutual. Wives your body belongs to your husband offer it to him. And husbands your body belongs to your wife offer it to her. And again when both people give, both people receive.

vs 5: Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

Don’t deprive: If you truly love your spouse you would never deprive them of sex. Paul says you don’t abstain unless you’re dedicating yourself to prayer for a time. Now we’ve all heard the “I have a headache” joke…but have you ever heard “I need to devote myself to prayer?” This is all of the confirmation I need to know that Paul wasn’t married! His point is this: unless you have a mutual agreement for a good reason you don’t deprive each other. Now this is something that happens…for a million reasons. There are a few common reasons why people deprive their spouse of sex.

Manipulation/punishment: This just boils down to impure motivation. “Until you give me what I want you’re not getting any sex from me.” Or, “I’ll sleep with you if you…”. Or, “I’m mad so forget it.” Or, “I’m going to get you back for something you did by depriving you.” Sex isn’t a game. It’s not something you toy with like that.

No desire: this can be because of depression, or neglect. It can be because of past sexual abuse, or even just the product of years inside a difficult marriage.

Sexual dysfunction: unfortunately there is a whole industry that is exploiting this now. But there are medical and physical conditions that sometimes limit sexual activity. If ever there was a chance of overcoming that with medical treatment it’s now.

These problems can certainly complicates things I your marriage bed. You may find that these problems may make your sex life a little less conventional, but it doesn’t change what God says: don’t deprive each other! Figure something out! Read some Christian books on the subject, go to counseling, ask someone who knows…but don’t deprive each other! Here’s why:

Sexual deprivation can lead to temptation: If sex is to be totally confined within marriage then deprivation is serious. God says only engage in sexual activity with your spouse. But if your spouse is depriving you, then they are putting you in a bad situation. Paul just says it. The longer you abstain the more likely it becomes that Satan will tempt you.

That’s pretty simple math. God designed people to have strong sexual desires and he has given us those desires. But he’s also given us the outlet for those desires: marriage. If your spouse won’t fulfill that part of their marriage Satan is standing by ready to offer alternatives. Pornography, affairs, self-stimulation, etc. You may CHOOSE celibacy, but God didn’t design people to go without sex. We’re hard-wired with those desires. It’s part of his plan. And to break it, by depriving one another, is setting your spouse up for struggles, and temptations.

When you said, “I do” you committed yourself to take care of the relational needs of your spouse, the emotional needs, the physical needs, and even the sexual needs. Verse 6-7…

vs 6: I say this as a concession, not as a command. 7 I wish that all men were as I am. But each man has his own gift from God; one has this gift, another has that. (NIV)

Now when you take the rest of Paul’s statements about celibacy it’s easy to understand why he says this. In terms of the Lord’s work it is easier when you don’t have a family. Single people with no children can be more focused…if they want to be. They are on their own, and if you’re a wandering church planter like Paul it would certainly be easier if you were a solo act. But notice he says, “it isn’t a command.” You don’t have to. And then he says something interesting.

Marriage is a gift: The word he used for gift here is charisma which is the same word used for the spiritual gifts lifted elsewhere in Scripture. In a sense being single and being married are gifts. Sometimes single people feel unfulfilled not being married. Sometimes they feel like their missing out. Let me encourage you to view your singleness as a gift from God. There are obviously advantages and disadvantages to being single…but there are advantages and disadvantages to being married as well. Accept your gift!

When I set out to write this article I was a little bit uncomfortable. I was reluctant to speak to this because sex can be an awkward topic…but I know so many people that needed to hear what God says about this. Even if you knew all this stuff, it never hurts to be reminded.

And God reminded me as I studied this: we don’t ever need to be ashamed to speak about things that God speaks about. It won’t always be comfortable…it won’t always be easy, and there are certainly times and places for these topics…but sex is good, and enjoyable, and even holy when you do it God’s way.

Application 1: Communicate
For many couples sex is a sensitive subject. It can be a topic that brings up pain, or conflict. It might be a topic that causes anxiety, or unpleasant memories. Some people just flatly refuse to talk about sex with their spouse. Problems never go away on their own. Things never get better accidentally. They get better when you deal with them.

-If there is baggage in your life their may need to go to counseling.

-If there is dysfunction you may need to see a physician.

-If there is hurt feelings there may need to be apologies.

-If there is displeasure, or anxiety, or dissatisfaction it will only be fixed when you decide to communicate. It’s not going to go away.

We’ll tell a stranger waiting tables that our steak is lousy.

We’ll tell some to ssshhhh…if they’re talking in the movies.

We’ll honk our horn if someone cuts us off, and we’ll speak up if we get overcharged at the supermarket. But…talk to my spouse about sex? Yes! Communicate! And communicate doesn’t mean nag, or hinder, or criticize. It means have a two-sided conversation.

And don’t ever talk about sex problems while you’re in bed. Wait for an appropriate time to bring it up and talk about it. You may need to set up a time with your spouse. You may to say to your spouse, “I’d like to talk to you about our sex life this week, and would you set aside a time for us to do that?” Don’t force a conversation, enter into dialogue. And hear me on this: don’t be defensive, don’t be dishonest, just talk. Communicate.

Application 2: Enjoy this God-given gift
God wants your marriage bed to be pure and holy, and unsoiled, and unblemished. People often accuse God of wanting to prevent us from having fun. The truth is God wants sex to be fun, and enjoyable, but he knows that it only happens when we confine it to the marriage bed.

Philip Yancey says that he sees God’s standards on sex, “…not as capricious rules to spoil our sexual adventures but rather as guidelines protecting something of great value that can only be realized in an exclusive, covenant relationship.” When it comes to sex, the Creator of sex knows best.

Listen to some of the words that are used to describe sex in the song of Solomon. My favorite line from that book is when Solomon says to his wife: “Your teeth are as white as sheep, newly shorn and washed. They are perfectly matched; not one is missing.” That guy was a real sweet-talker! Sex is described in Song of Solomon as:

Delightful (SS 1:2), sweet (SS 2:3), pleasing (SS 4:10) refreshing (SS 4:15), exciting (SS 7:9), and as bringing contentment (SS 8:10)…

Does it sound like God is ashamed of sexuality in marriage? There is an emotional connection in sex. There is a strengthening of relationship, a bonding, and even healing that can take place in our intimacy. In Gen 24:67 it says that Isaac was comforted by Rebekah through intimacy. I think sex has a deeper meaning than we know.

Yancey also says, “Marriage provides the security we need to experience sex without restraint, apart from guilt, danger, or deceit. Teenagers worry that they will miss out on something if they heed the Bible's warnings against premarital sex. Actually, the warnings are there to keep them from missing out on something. Fidelity sets a boundary in which sex can run free.” God’s word concerning sex in marriage is “enjoy”. Delight in something that he created especially for you and the one you married.

The last thing I’ll mention is something that has come up in every aspect of these messages on marriage.

Application 3: Godly sex starts with you
-If you want your spouse to love you, it starts with you loving them.

-If you want your spouse to assume their role marriage, you assume yours first.

-If you want to enjoy a great sex life with your spouse it starts with you.

The root source in just about every single marriage problem is selfishness.

“This is what I want! This is what I deserve!” People get so obsessed with their desires, or they start assigning blame, or they’re overly critical, or unappreciative. It’s all selfishness. Wives can’t be submissive while they’re being selfish. Husbands can’t lay down their lives for their wives while they’re being selfish. You can’t love each other while you’re being selfish. You can’t communicate while you’re being selfish. And you can’t have the kind of sex life that God wants you to have while you’re being selfish.

You don’t start any changes in marriage by making demands. The changes start with you.

-If you want your spouse to desire you sexually, start by making yourself desirable…and I’m not just talking about your appearance.

-If you want your spouse to be passionate for you, be passionate for them.

-If you want your spouse to be complimentary about your appearance, be complementary towards their appearance.

-If you want them to listen to you about sex, or anything else, listen to them. It starts with you.

God has created this wonderful institution called marriage. And within the confines of marriage he gives us permission to enjoy sex with our spouses. And God’s promise in all matters is that when we do things His way, it always goes better. So let me challenge you to view sex…God’s way!

ERIK

adventure MAN-ifesto

Someone once told me that there is a difference between dreams and goals. Dreams are things you just think about, while goals are things that you are actively working towards.

I dream of hiking the Pacific Crest Trail from Mexico to Canada. That would be my ultimate! I haven't figured out how to take 3 months off of work (paid), while not ticking off my wife, and not neglecting my kids...so at this point it's looking like it's just a dream.

I have a goal, however, of seeing men dream big dreams for God. I want men to not cower in the face of opposition, to not step back when they should be stepping up, and to have a victoriously confident attitude toward their marriages and families. This blog is part of my PLAN for accomplishing that goal.

As this blog develops I hope to gather articles, quotes, sermons, and Scripture pertaining to all things men. Nothing on this blog is top secret, but I'd ask you to consider this site as reserved for ACC men. This is to be a safe place for men to visit, discuss, be inspired, and to talk about man stuff. Stay tuned and let the adventure begin!

ERIK