Who Am I?
By Erik Neilson
Disclaimer: there is no quick fix, pat answer, trite solution, or universal fix offered in this article.

Who am I? I’ll give you a few clues. I don’t like talking about my feelings. I love a good firm handshake and can mostly do without hugs. I don’t naturally take to “sharing” or having people pry into my business. I like to talk when I feel like it and don’t like feeling obligated to talk if I don’t want to. I like the quiet and the stillness of the early weekday mornings when kids are still in beds and the slackers are sleeping in. I feel satisfied doing hard work and feeling my muscles ache the next day. I hate sitting in my office checking emails and answering the telephone. I don’t mind being rebuked if I have it coming, but get angry when I’m falsely accused. I love competing with other men, matching wits and skill and occasionally athletic skills (or the lack thereof). I happen to hate losing but not enough to quit trying. I like hearty food and enjoy the satisfying feeling of a full stomach. I like being alone but not always alone with my thoughts. I like doing noble deeds and sacrificing my time and resources for a cause. I love wrestling on the carpet with my son and hearing my daughter call me “daddy”. I like holding my wife in my arms and feeling the spark that we still have 13 years into this thing called marriage. I like Sunday afternoon naps. I don’t like whiners, and people that make lame excuses all the time. I like completing tasks and get frustrated when I’m stuck or at a standstill with something. I hate arguing with people, and don’t like when people are trying to tell me what to do or think. I struggle with doubts and often think back about mistakes I’ve made and regrets I have. Sometimes I’d like punch people when they…well sometimes I’d just like to punch people (I’ll leave it at that). I think that words like “proper” were invented by women who want men to act like sissies. I like being able to count on other people, and feeling like I can be counted on. Loyalty is the characteristic that I most respect and desire in friendships and disloyalty is a character flaw that’s hard for me to overlook or forgive. I respect people that have conviction even if I don’t share their convictions, and have trouble respecting people without conviction. I struggle with being selfish and have bouts with stupid pride. I almost always believe in people and cheer them on but am often disappointed when they quit or fail. I find little satisfaction when things are going right, get discouraged when they’re going wrong, and feel motivated when challenges are thrown my way. I wonder sometimes if God is proud of me, and some days wouldn’t blame him if he wasn’t. On those days I wonder if he made me the way I am or if it was some exposure to gamma rays or a radioactive spider bite that made me this way. I tend to beat myself up over sin and struggle to accept the grace I teach other people about.

So who am I? I am the me that nobody is allowed to see. I am the me that exists in my mind, the one no one else has access to. I am the private thoughts, opinions, observations and collected data that is contained between my two ears. Don’t get the wrong idea…I’m not living a secret life, and I’m no double agent switching identities when circumstances call for it. But we all have a bit of a split personality. We have the real person that we are inside and the one that we let everyone see. If I always acted how I felt, or said what was on my mind, I’d probably be in trouble a lot. I’d offend people more often than I already do, and probably wouldn’t be very pleasant to be around. For all of us it’s a wrestling match to be who we really are; to be true both in our private and our public lives.

If we wanted to we could really fool people. It happens all the time. You say something you don’t mean, or don’t say something that you really wanted to. You think things that you would never verbalize, and act in ways that are not really a reflection of what you are thinking. But who are you really fooling? They say you can fool some of the people most of the time, and most of the people some of the time, but if you’re trying to fool people you might just be a fool. I think I messed that up a little but here’s the point: You never fool God.

The real me is only known to me and one other but he knows every dirty detail. My Father knows the me inside my head. He sees what my mind sees, hears my secret thoughts, and knows the true desires of my heart. Psalm 139 says, “O Lord, you have examined my heart and know everything about me. You know when I sit down or stand up. You know my thoughts even when I’m far away. You see me when I travel and when I rest at home. You know everything I do. You know I’m going to say even before I say it, Lord. You place your hand of blessing on my head, such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too great for me to understand!”

I can’t say that I like God knowing all my thoughts. But if someone’s going to know them I’m glad it’s him because he isn’t loosed lipped. But what if the me that God sees and the one that others see could be the same? I’ll probably never have 100% consistency between the private and public me, but what if it was close, or closer than it is now? It’s not as preposterous as is sounds, it’s actually God’s plan. You see our inward person affects our outward person. Much of what’s going on inside is reflected on the outside. If you struggle with anger, jealously and insecurities inside, you’ll reflect those things outwardly. If you feel strong, and confident and assured you’ll reflect those things outwardly. When you’re struggling inside you’ll be more likely to be phony outside…because you don’t want people to know what’s going on. When you’re doing good inside you’ll act accordingly on the outside. And that’s what God wants.

God wants the you that you let people see be the real you. “If people saw who I really am they won’t like me” you might be thinking. Well fortunately God is willing to help with that problem. You see God’s primary focus is changing who you are on the inside. Scripture says he wants to give us a new heart, and new minds, and a new spirit. He wants to change us from the inside out. But some of us are trying to pull our phony self routine with God. That’s just not going to work. Looking God square in the eye and owning everything you are and are not has got to be the first step. If you do that I suspect he’ll take over from there.