Christians get a bad rap when it comes to sex. Most people in the world would sum up the Christian view of sex with the phrase “don’t do it”. That’s sad but probably deserved. For the first several centuries the church was very accomplished at giving lengthy prohibitions about sex. At one point in the early Catholic church there were only 44 days in a year when a couple was allowed to be intimate. Saint Augustine, the early church father, actually believed that original sin was transmitted through intimacy (Sacred Marriage, pg 203). Most of the early bible scholars allegorized the Song of Songs (they said it was figurative) because they were too embarrassed to take it for what is really is…it’s a whole book in the Bible dealing with the intimacy between husband and wife. And it’s graphic and detailed…and there is not a HINT of shame in it…because God made sex, he made it for us to enjoy, and He is not ashamed to talk about it.
Part of Christianity’s problem with sex, and many other topics, is that we’re lopsided. And personally I think that we TEND to be lopsided towards the negative. Here’s what I mean: we’re great at standing against things, but we’re not so great at standing for things. We can tell people all of the things they shouldn’t do, but we’re often unwilling to tell them the alternative…what the better plan is.
Let me be honest with you for a moment. It would be easier to tell you all the things not to do. That would be more comfortable to talk about. Writing this makes me feel like a health teacher or something! You may not be comfortable reading this but here’s the thing: Christians have treated sex like it’s a dirty word for too long. God designed sex. He made it to be enjoyed in the proper context. And because our holy and beautiful God created it; sex is also holy and beautiful.
Maybe you’ve never heard it described that way. Our culture has different views about what sex is. Some people who are naturalists view sex as merely an animalistic instinct. Hugh Hefner once said, “sex is a normal function of the body, it is a desire that man shares with the animals, just like sleeping or eating, therefore it is not wrong to satisfy these normal desires”. That view is short-sighted and is, unfortunately, all too common.
Many view sex very casually. It’s no big deal, it can be shared with anyone…friends, strangers, any willing person will do. And there are elements in our society, and in every society, that view sex as industry to profit from. Did you know the pornography industry in America brings in $8 billion dollars a year? No wonder people have such a skewed view of sex. Some see it as a tool for manipulation, or a bargaining chip, or a power to be used for manipulation.
Here’s my question…what alternative is the church offering to the world’s view of sex? What is our response to the degradation of this beautiful part of matrimony? And for the past several hundred years I think the answer has been “nothing”. We just say don’t do this, and don’t do that, etc, etc. Is it any surprise that many Christians have just adopted the world’s view of sex?
If the church doesn’t stand up and talk about some of these things, then our kids will get their sex education from school where they learn to put condoms on bananas and explore their “sexual identity”. And they’ll learn from Brittney Spears, and Eminem, and Kobe Bryant and all of the other high profile “role models” that we see in culture.
Author Gary Thomas points out that, “Most of us are introduced to sex in shameful ways.” He’s right! Do you want your son’s only knowledge of sex, to be from a magazine in a locker room? Do you want your daughter’s knowledge of sex to be from a romance novel or a teen magazine? Sex isn’t shameful, but what people do with it can be. Unless the church puts away that phony sense of piety and talks about real issues with real people we’re destined, and our kids are destined, to follow the crowd.
You only need to think for a second to know where that will lead; sin, sexual promiscuity, sexual disease, unwanted pregnancy, an unbiblical view of sexuality, broken homes, damaged marriages and I believe…ultimately…sexual dissatisfaction. Because every time you abuse something that is God-given, it goes bad.
Hebrews 13:4 says, “Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral.”
This is a little verse with big meaning. The first thing you need to understand about sex is that God has designed it for marriage. He says marriage should be…
Honored by all: That word “honored” is timios and it means precious, esteemed, and of great price. Marriage itself should be held as a precious institution with all people Paul says. It’s not a small thing. It’s a big deal when people are married. We are to esteem that marriage relationship. We’re to lift it up! Marriage is not an afterthought of living together. It’s not an option for families to choose…its God’s standard and he says everyone should honor it. And according to this verse how does everyone honor marriage?
Keeping the marriage bed pure: The term “marriage bed” is just a euphemism for sexual intercourse. He isn’t saying that we honor marriage by getting a good night’s sleep. He’s saying that we honor marriage by keeping sexually pure. Sex is only for the marriage bed. Put differently, the marriage bed is the designated place for sexual activity. If that’s not clear enough; sex is meant for marriage exclusively. God has called us to have a pure, undefiled, unadulterated sex life. And notice the end of this passage that God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral.
Adulterer: Someone who is married and has sexual relations with someone other than their spouse. That’s the seventh commandment and it’s very clear. God will judge adulterers. But he will also judge the..
Sexually immoral: Sexual immorality is more general. It’s any sexual behavior that occurs outside of marriage.
God’s judgment is reserved for married people that cheat and for unmarried people that are fooling around. Catch the contrast: On one hand we have the pure marriage bed. On the other hand we have adultery and sexual immorality. One receives God’s blessing. The other receives God’s judgment.
I often hear people say…The Bible doesn’t say that you can’t have sex before you’re married. My personal favorite is “we’re in love and God is a god of love so I think it’s okay.” That’s very creative! Or “God wants me to be happy!” And on and on… True God wants us to be happy. And he wants us to love…but he will judge us if we’re being sexually immoral. Sex outside of marriage isn’t youthful indiscretion. It isn’t an accident. It doesn’t suddenly become alright because of feelings. Planning on being married soon or “someday” doesn’t make it okay. Sex is a holy act that God has limited to marriage. And if that isn’t convincing enough for you…consider this:
Every time sex is mentioned outside of marriage it’s gets a special name:
-adultery -sexual immorality -homosexuality -rape
-fornication -prostitution -lust, etc.
We are supposed to keep our marriage bed pure. I want you to picture the sheets on your bed. Now think about the marriage bed in terms of sheets. What kind of sheets do you like to sleep in? Do you like the white, clean, fresh smelling, right out of the wash, crisp, spotless, nice pure sheets? God want our marriage beds to be. Maybe you’d prefer the old threadbare, limp, soiled, wrinkled-up, stained and dirty sheets? No one would choose that. But when you sin sexually, that’s what you’re doing to marriage bed. So, what kind of bed do you want to sleep in?
Now you may be reading this, having already made mistakes. The point of this article not to heap guilt on people, but to remind all us of God’s standards. If you’ve made mistakes, confess it to God, ask his forgiveness, and then resolve yourself not to make those mistakes again. God loves us so much, but he loves too much to let us stay in our sin.
Now let’s look at 1 Corinthians 7:1. For context, the advice Paul gives about sex in this passage is given specifically to the church in Corinth. Now you might be tempted to think that modern day Americans don’t have anything in common with ancient Corinthians. Let me briefly describe Corinth for a comparison.
Corinth was right next to Athens in what is now Greece. To put it gently the Corinthians and their neighbors in Athens weren’t very “sexually conservative”. They worshipped the goddess of sexual pleasure and all of the gods they worshipped were known for their sexual escapades. Over the top of EVERY door in Corinth was a statue of…let’s just the say “male reproductive organ.” These people had festivals and parades where they flaunted their sexual behavior. Adultery, orgies, and even pedophilia were normal.
But we’re not like that...right? Sexuality isn’t on open display in our nation. Well…except at the grocery store, and 7-11, and the billboards, and on TV, and in most every magazine, most of our movies…yeah we don’t have anything in common with the Corinthians. (Maybe a little more than we’d like to admit!) The Corinthians were in the midst of sexual immorality at epidemic proportions….and I would say so are we. And if not…we’re headed that way fast.
You’ve hopefully never been to a church like the church in Corinth. And this is the church we’re talking about. They had been splitting into factions, they were filled with jealousy, they were taking each other to court, they were treating communion like a free buffet, they were quarreling, and to top it all off, they were plagued with sexual sin. In fact there was a man in their church who had taken up with his Father’s wife (probably his stepmother). Paul says that the Corinthian church was even boasting about it. They had all kinds of issues. And as the apostle Paul addresses these young immature Christians he includes some of the most insightful words ever penned on the topic of sex.
vs 1: Now for the matters you wrote about: It is good for a man not to marry.
Well that seems pretty clear, and that would solve all the issues with sex! As some of you know Paul wasn’t married. And his mentality was this: when it comes to serving the Lord, it will be easier for you, and more effective for ministry, if you aren’t married. So if you can go without being married do it. Its okay, it can be good to live a celibate life. There are certain advantages to not being married.
Some of the early church really grabbed a hold of this. Most of the early church fathers didn’t marry (not that they were always known for their sexual piety). Many of the early Christian writings started an unfortunate emphasis celibacy. They held it up as a higher path, or a more “spiritual” choice. That’s not what Paul is saying. If you want to, as a choice, you don’t have to get married. But knowing that this probably wasn’t the choice for most people he says in vs 2…
vs 2: But since there is so much immorality, each man should have his own wife, and each woman her own husband.
The idea here is that sexual temptation, and sexual sin, was so great that celibacy wasn’t always realistic. It would be good for you to be celibate…but if the choice is marriage or sexual immorality…choose marriage. If you want to be celibate but sexual sin is too great a temptation then get married. Not being married is okay. But being sexually immoral is not okay. So those are the two choices: no sex at all, or sex inside of marriage.
Down in verse 9 he says about single people, “if they can't control themselves, they should go ahead and marry. It's better to marry than to burn with lust.” Now obviously having sex isn’t the only motivation for being married. If that’s why you’re getting married you’re probably in for a rude awakening. But here’s the point… if you’re sexual desires are leading you to temptation and frustration, get married. Find that special someone and get into a situation where sex is permissible and honoring to God. That seems pretty straightforward. Here’s where he gets very specific.
vs 3: The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband.
There are several things to grab from this:
Sex isn’t one-sided: It is to be equally given and received by both men and women. Everything in marriage is about give and take. And when you give….your spouse is more likely to give. When you only take they are less likely to give. When both people give, both are more likely to receive. That’s true of time, attention, affection, communication, and even sex. And people that want to accuse the Bible of being chauvinistic will have a hard time explaining this passage. Sex belongs to, and is for the enjoyment of, both husband and wife. God prescribes equal consideration for both partners in marriage. He describes sex as a…
A duty: Husband and wives should fulfill their “marital duty”. Now you might hear people joking around about this but it’s serious.
The NLT Bible says it this way, “The husband should not deprive his wife of sexual intimacy, which is her right as a married woman, nor should the wife deprive her husband.”
Husbands, your wives have the right to expect sex in your marriage, and it is your duty to satisfy them sexually. And the opposite is true. Wives, your husbands have the right to expect sex in your marriage, and it is your duty to satisfy him sexually.
Now the word “duty” makes it sound like an obligation, or a requirement, or even a chore. Hopefully it’s more than that. Hopefully sex is something that is equally desired by both husband and wife. That’s God’s plan. And thinking of sex as an obligation is probably the lowest motivation for sex that a couple could have. I wouldn’t recommend that you guys pull that on your wife. Reminding her of her “obligation” is pretty much a guaranteed, “no”. But you know, sometimes we may need to keep that in mind. At times when you’re feeling less than romantic remember, “It is the right of both husband and wife to have sexual fulfillment in marriage.”
Now fulfilling your “marital duty” doesn’t mean that your spouse is required to do whatever you want, whenever you want, regardless of circumstances. It simply means that you have a sex life that is generally satisfying to both husband and wife. And verse 3 points out one more important thing
Sex is part of God’s plan for marriage: It’s not what marriage is all about, but it’s part of it. He wouldn’t call it our duty if it was optional. He wouldn’t call it an obligation if it was a matter of choice. Part of having a happy marriage is having a healthy sex life. Sex isn’t just a physical act. Sex is where our souls touch, and our hearts mend, and our bodies unite. It’s where we take part in God’s creation process. And to take that out of marriage is a recipe for disaster.
Taking sex out of marriage fosters insecurity, anxiety, and distrust. It creates resentment, and self-pity. It creates the perfect environment for sexual temptation, bitterness, and depression. Marriage without sex isn’t complete. It’s part of God’s plan for husband wife.
Now this next verse is probably the most important verse about sex in the Bible.
vs 4: The wife's body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband's body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife.
When you hear that word “belong” it makes your spouse sound like your property. And there is a good reason why. They are. Your wife’s body belongs to you. She gave it to you on your wedding day. And wives, your husband’s body belongs to you. He gave it to you on your wedding day. This is so important to understand! Realize what Paul is saying here. Speaking in the context of sexuality, Paul says your body belongs to your spouse. When you are married you don’t belong to yourself anymore. You have more than just you to think about. You belong to someone else. And your sex belongs to your spouse, and to no one else.
It’s fairly obvious for most of us that you don’t sleep with someone who is not your wife. Realize the full implications though! Adultery in this sense is taking something that doesn’t belong to you and giving it to someone else. It’s stealing.
When you allow yourself to fantasize sexually about someone that is not your spouse you’re giving something away that doesn’t belong to you. God gave you a spouse! They are the ones that you’re sexual desire belongs to. That’s why pornography is such a problem. You’re taking your sexual desires to a piece of paper, or a TV screen, or a computer monitor instead of your spouse. And when you do that you’re taking sex from your mate.
When people masturbate, they are taking sex away from their spouse. You’re taking something that doesn’t belong to you. You’re stealing from your wife or your husband. Often times when men will complain about their sex life in marriage, and you probe them on it, it turns out that they’ve made sex a private thing just for themselves, and they can’t figure out why they have no sexual desire for their wife. Some people dismiss this by calling it a bad habit or overactive hormones but it’s more than that. It’s often a compulsive and addictive behavior. It makes the marriage bed impure. It’s sin.
Anything you do sexually that doesn’t involve your spouse is sin. I like what the Message Bible paraphrase says, “the marriage bed must be a place of mutuality.” In other words sex isn’t selfish! It’s not about individual wants and desires it’s about each other. And if you love your spouse you would never selfishly insist that they do something that makes them uncomfortable. Sex is mutual. Wives your body belongs to your husband offer it to him. And husbands your body belongs to your wife offer it to her. And again when both people give, both people receive.
vs 5: Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.
Don’t deprive: If you truly love your spouse you would never deprive them of sex. Paul says you don’t abstain unless you’re dedicating yourself to prayer for a time. Now we’ve all heard the “I have a headache” joke…but have you ever heard “I need to devote myself to prayer?” This is all of the confirmation I need to know that Paul wasn’t married! His point is this: unless you have a mutual agreement for a good reason you don’t deprive each other. Now this is something that happens…for a million reasons. There are a few common reasons why people deprive their spouse of sex.
Manipulation/punishment: This just boils down to impure motivation. “Until you give me what I want you’re not getting any sex from me.” Or, “I’ll sleep with you if you…”. Or, “I’m mad so forget it.” Or, “I’m going to get you back for something you did by depriving you.” Sex isn’t a game. It’s not something you toy with like that.
No desire: this can be because of depression, or neglect. It can be because of past sexual abuse, or even just the product of years inside a difficult marriage.
Sexual dysfunction: unfortunately there is a whole industry that is exploiting this now. But there are medical and physical conditions that sometimes limit sexual activity. If ever there was a chance of overcoming that with medical treatment it’s now.
These problems can certainly complicates things I your marriage bed. You may find that these problems may make your sex life a little less conventional, but it doesn’t change what God says: don’t deprive each other! Figure something out! Read some Christian books on the subject, go to counseling, ask someone who knows…but don’t deprive each other! Here’s why:
Sexual deprivation can lead to temptation: If sex is to be totally confined within marriage then deprivation is serious. God says only engage in sexual activity with your spouse. But if your spouse is depriving you, then they are putting you in a bad situation. Paul just says it. The longer you abstain the more likely it becomes that Satan will tempt you.
That’s pretty simple math. God designed people to have strong sexual desires and he has given us those desires. But he’s also given us the outlet for those desires: marriage. If your spouse won’t fulfill that part of their marriage Satan is standing by ready to offer alternatives. Pornography, affairs, self-stimulation, etc. You may CHOOSE celibacy, but God didn’t design people to go without sex. We’re hard-wired with those desires. It’s part of his plan. And to break it, by depriving one another, is setting your spouse up for struggles, and temptations.
When you said, “I do” you committed yourself to take care of the relational needs of your spouse, the emotional needs, the physical needs, and even the sexual needs. Verse 6-7…
vs 6: I say this as a concession, not as a command. 7 I wish that all men were as I am. But each man has his own gift from God; one has this gift, another has that. (NIV)
Now when you take the rest of Paul’s statements about celibacy it’s easy to understand why he says this. In terms of the Lord’s work it is easier when you don’t have a family. Single people with no children can be more focused…if they want to be. They are on their own, and if you’re a wandering church planter like Paul it would certainly be easier if you were a solo act. But notice he says, “it isn’t a command.” You don’t have to. And then he says something interesting.
Marriage is a gift: The word he used for gift here is charisma which is the same word used for the spiritual gifts lifted elsewhere in Scripture. In a sense being single and being married are gifts. Sometimes single people feel unfulfilled not being married. Sometimes they feel like their missing out. Let me encourage you to view your singleness as a gift from God. There are obviously advantages and disadvantages to being single…but there are advantages and disadvantages to being married as well. Accept your gift!
When I set out to write this article I was a little bit uncomfortable. I was reluctant to speak to this because sex can be an awkward topic…but I know so many people that needed to hear what God says about this. Even if you knew all this stuff, it never hurts to be reminded.
And God reminded me as I studied this: we don’t ever need to be ashamed to speak about things that God speaks about. It won’t always be comfortable…it won’t always be easy, and there are certainly times and places for these topics…but sex is good, and enjoyable, and even holy when you do it God’s way.
Application 1: Communicate
For many couples sex is a sensitive subject. It can be a topic that brings up pain, or conflict. It might be a topic that causes anxiety, or unpleasant memories. Some people just flatly refuse to talk about sex with their spouse. Problems never go away on their own. Things never get better accidentally. They get better when you deal with them.
-If there is baggage in your life their may need to go to counseling.
-If there is dysfunction you may need to see a physician.
-If there is hurt feelings there may need to be apologies.
-If there is displeasure, or anxiety, or dissatisfaction it will only be fixed when you decide to communicate. It’s not going to go away.
We’ll tell a stranger waiting tables that our steak is lousy.
We’ll tell some to ssshhhh…if they’re talking in the movies.
We’ll honk our horn if someone cuts us off, and we’ll speak up if we get overcharged at the supermarket. But…talk to my spouse about sex? Yes! Communicate! And communicate doesn’t mean nag, or hinder, or criticize. It means have a two-sided conversation.
And don’t ever talk about sex problems while you’re in bed. Wait for an appropriate time to bring it up and talk about it. You may need to set up a time with your spouse. You may to say to your spouse, “I’d like to talk to you about our sex life this week, and would you set aside a time for us to do that?” Don’t force a conversation, enter into dialogue. And hear me on this: don’t be defensive, don’t be dishonest, just talk. Communicate.
Application 2: Enjoy this God-given gift
God wants your marriage bed to be pure and holy, and unsoiled, and unblemished. People often accuse God of wanting to prevent us from having fun. The truth is God wants sex to be fun, and enjoyable, but he knows that it only happens when we confine it to the marriage bed.
Philip Yancey says that he sees God’s standards on sex, “…not as capricious rules to spoil our sexual adventures but rather as guidelines protecting something of great value that can only be realized in an exclusive, covenant relationship.” When it comes to sex, the Creator of sex knows best.
Listen to some of the words that are used to describe sex in the song of Solomon. My favorite line from that book is when Solomon says to his wife: “Your teeth are as white as sheep, newly shorn and washed. They are perfectly matched; not one is missing.” That guy was a real sweet-talker! Sex is described in Song of Solomon as:
Delightful (SS 1:2), sweet (SS 2:3), pleasing (SS 4:10) refreshing (SS 4:15), exciting (SS 7:9), and as bringing contentment (SS 8:10)…
Does it sound like God is ashamed of sexuality in marriage? There is an emotional connection in sex. There is a strengthening of relationship, a bonding, and even healing that can take place in our intimacy. In Gen 24:67 it says that Isaac was comforted by Rebekah through intimacy. I think sex has a deeper meaning than we know.
Yancey also says, “Marriage provides the security we need to experience sex without restraint, apart from guilt, danger, or deceit. Teenagers worry that they will miss out on something if they heed the Bible's warnings against premarital sex. Actually, the warnings are there to keep them from missing out on something. Fidelity sets a boundary in which sex can run free.” God’s word concerning sex in marriage is “enjoy”. Delight in something that he created especially for you and the one you married.
The last thing I’ll mention is something that has come up in every aspect of these messages on marriage.
Application 3: Godly sex starts with you
-If you want your spouse to love you, it starts with you loving them.
-If you want your spouse to assume their role marriage, you assume yours first.
-If you want to enjoy a great sex life with your spouse it starts with you.
The root source in just about every single marriage problem is selfishness.
“This is what I want! This is what I deserve!” People get so obsessed with their desires, or they start assigning blame, or they’re overly critical, or unappreciative. It’s all selfishness. Wives can’t be submissive while they’re being selfish. Husbands can’t lay down their lives for their wives while they’re being selfish. You can’t love each other while you’re being selfish. You can’t communicate while you’re being selfish. And you can’t have the kind of sex life that God wants you to have while you’re being selfish.
You don’t start any changes in marriage by making demands. The changes start with you.
-If you want your spouse to desire you sexually, start by making yourself desirable…and I’m not just talking about your appearance.
-If you want your spouse to be passionate for you, be passionate for them.
-If you want your spouse to be complimentary about your appearance, be complementary towards their appearance.
-If you want them to listen to you about sex, or anything else, listen to them. It starts with you.
God has created this wonderful institution called marriage. And within the confines of marriage he gives us permission to enjoy sex with our spouses. And God’s promise in all matters is that when we do things His way, it always goes better. So let me challenge you to view sex…God’s way!
ERIK
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